return

so much has happened as i struggled to negotiate the terms of a voyeuristic internet (blog) culture.

missed connections, school, still continuing cycle of awakening and fall, more missed connections.

and even if i believe no one will read these words, why do i project them into the void that is also public space? it may get lost in the swarm of our now inexhaustible data, but i may be hoping that someone, anyone will reach out and catch it in the midst of its fall.

i have to call myself a writer, and so i will write. that will be my excuse for what is otherwise another act of self-indulgence.

speaking of self-indulgence, i just finished a book called "bluets" by maggie nelson. that is self-indulgence done right.
now a quote by marguerite duras:
'alcohol doesn't console. all it replaces is the lack of god.'

is this supposed to justify my own problem?
quite the contrary.

.

fear conquest

solitary uprising. C. Leaf. 2011.

i saw a movie for the first time today in about 2-3 years.  i have a weird fear of theaters; mostly classified as claustrophobic/people-phobic.  the last time i went to a theater, i made it a big deal to go to see an actor i really liked, but ended up having an anxiety attack half way along the movie and had to leave.  this time i stayed for the entire movie plus the Q&A wit the director.  miracle?

the movie was 'i saw the devil' or '악마를 보았다.' the thing is, the english translation doesn't capture the nuance of the actual korean but i don't think there is a better translation for it.  anyway...

gory movie.. very gory.. but for some reason, the cannibalism scene looked.. not repulsive.  in fact, made me hungry.

don't get me wrong, i never thought of eating human flesh, but the way that the killing/hurting is done throughout the entire movie, i feel like you almost feel refreshed once someone starts eating the flesh that keep being butchered the entire time.

met the director.  the director cracked a joke during Q&A, i answered it.

Choi Min Shik.  amazing actor.  alcoholic.  so what?

blood.  what about it...

see the movie.  premiers on march 4th.  BAM.

art and academia

                                           C.Leaf, The Way Out, 2007. Steel.

Though not all, many academic institutions are bullshit.  You pretend that you have something to teach me and give me an assessment based on my "performance," which is pretty much how much you like my interpretation of your supposed teachings?

Especially Art Criticism and Fine Art.

Criticism:   Institutions claim their superior ability to think, interpret, analyze pieces of art, and that it is even teachable.  What is art?  How do you talk about art?  How can you claim that there are even answers to those questions?
And wth do the GRE's have anything to do with that??

Fine Art:   Likewise, institutions claim that there is something to teach in the way one must perceive, feel, and execute things/feelings/ideas that do not exist in the realm of verbal language and logic/rationality.  So you studied some art history.  You think what you consider the definition of art stems from a legitimate background of studying the patterns in history, but does that necessarily equal what art means now?

NOW.  THIS generation, the internet generation, defines the now.  You can observe, but don't intrude unless you are willing to be a respectful participant.  Don't impose your pretentious academia on something that cannot be taught.

rant

you know why third world countries are third world countries?  because they don't get sex ed.  they just fuck like animals and the men refuse to assume responsibility because they're not the ones dealing with hormones and another living being inside of them.

on another note.. i don't even own an unlimited metrocard anymore.  that's how bum status i am.  i need to get out of the house.  i'm getting sick.

is monogamy a practical or natural thing?  is it possible to feel such an emotion that will make you stick by just one person for the rest of your life?  or are human beings just overestimating themselves as usual?

early morning

what is it to "know"?
to know is to overestimate your own capacity for understanding something, and to underestimate the magnitude of the entirety of that something.
is there even an entirety? a chair, a cup, a house, a person..
knowledge is tainted by history and memories.  knowledge is not autonomous. we are not autonomous.

culture shock

back after 10 days consisting of:

2 snow storms
2 nights of clubbing
good food for the most part
difficult social situations
x-ray, mri

i am 5 pounds fatter and happy to be back. there seems to be a reason why certain countries are considered third world countries.

is NY really a place for exiles?  i like my fellow exiles. i can never leave this place.

that country on the other side of the world is a place for visiting dreams and fantasies.  and then i realize that those are only dreams and fantasies.  i have to wake up.  reality is too different.  i can't be high on dreams my entire life.

money, power, church, social codes. disgusting and excessively unnecessary use of excuses for the waste of human resources.
what happened to the grand tradition?  what happened to all the great people?  why is everyone's heads so shit-filled in that country?

i like my NY. i am an exile who is at home.